I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
