Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
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