i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
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Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
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It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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