Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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