Need sex. Gaining weight.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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