You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
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