are you so shy because you have an std?
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
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