what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
