how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
