I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Sexist Restaurant Owner Tells Woman To ‘Keep Her Legs Open’ After Firing Her
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
19 True Stories So Scary You May Never Turn The Lights Off Again
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.