I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
