I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
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