Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
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what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
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Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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