If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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