I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
