Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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