my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
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