at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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