I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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