I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
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