I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
