I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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