I accidentally had phone sex last night
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
