I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
