I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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