When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
