I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Randomize
