i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Fuck me I smell like cheese
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
