I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
