probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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