I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
