you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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