Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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