tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
