awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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