so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Randomize
