youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
