from now on my penis is your penis
im six kinds of drunk right now
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
