If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
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Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
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Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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