Your face is a jimmy john
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
