I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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