So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
