just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Randomize
