Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
Randomize
