Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
Randomize
