I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I want a musical about memes.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
