Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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