You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
