i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
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