11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
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