there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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