the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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