good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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