I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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