HIV tests are more positive than that guy
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I got her a Nickelback box set.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
