I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Randomize
