Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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