I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
