I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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